I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
