He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
