you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
