Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
