don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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