Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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