Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
