So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
