I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
