i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
