her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
