"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
did i walk over a car last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
