capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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