He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
