I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
