so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
