Welp...herpes.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
