You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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