So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
