i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
