this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
