...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
