Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
