I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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