Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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