Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
