dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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