woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
