My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
