I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
