# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
