Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
