I never want to see another naked old woman again.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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