I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
