There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we made out on top of his cat.
it was like eating out sand paper
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
