I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
