Don't make out with my wife yet
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
