I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dick very happy bro
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