nut hugger
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
