My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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