you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
