i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
