Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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