So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
