I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
