When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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