You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
