Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
even my farts smell like vagina
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
