we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
