watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
