DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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